“I never saw a pessimistic general win a battle.” Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower ”To attain knowledge add things everyday. To attain wisdom remove them every day.”

“To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”

My entire history is full of screwed up relationships, and never a “real” one. All I ever wanted was a boyfriend, like the cute stuff you see in movies. I went about it the wrong way. I was never pretty enough, or skinny enough, or funny enough, or witty enough. I tried to give the guys what I thought they wanted – sex. I tried to have romance by giving myself up like that, never understanding why the passion never lasted through “the morning after”. This is where I started to try and manipulate the “dorks” who had never had any girl interaction in their entire lives… I turned this “fantasy” about me and this “dork” into a reality JUST so I could experience having someone to call my boyfriend, so I could experience what I saw other people had…being cute together, holding hands. Even these joke “relationships” didn’t ever last but a month. I was still determined to find the love that I deeply desired and so I jumped straight for the next guy who was attracted to me and could possibly be manipulated into wanting to be with me. I played so many games trying to feel wanted. All the games that I played, with nothing but pure, innocent and sweet intentions BACKFIRED. Fast forward: next I get my heart broken by this guy named Chris that I had a real connection with. Four years go by with him coming in and out of my life. He promises to sweep me up and go get married and that’s the closest I ever got to my romantic fairytale, but that was just all one big fantasy that never played out, and he got back together with his ex. I failed miserably. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love, truly, but I know that that experience was real, true heartbreak. I never thought I would ever be able to get over that pain. I am so grateful now for having gone through that terrible experience. Without it I know I wouldn’t be the woman I am now. That is the purest example of, “what doesn’t kill you makes you that much stronger.” I owe all my strength to being beaten down to zero, because what it did was give me hope.

I started getting further in my Steps and becoming a spiritually fit person, and I did whatever I was told, or was suggested, because I got a taste of results and I wanted more. So I avoided boys and dating and relationships, and took a hiatus for a long time. This was the second best experience for me, after the getting my heart broken. During my time of just focusing on getting my life together and just doing “me,” I turned into this independent WOMAN and found out who I am, what I want, what I am about, and the most stunning part about all this is that for once, for REAL, I had NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE to have anything to do with relationships! Omg, real independence! It felt great! And I really wasn’t lying to myself! I felt so strong, confident, independent and full of faith. And I felt I had so much to offer other women, other people – not just in AA but all day throughout the day. With the old lady needing help on the bus to the homeless man on the street needing food or a cigarette, I was of service to everyone, being the best person that I could be! I really came into my own not needing anything or anyone to validate my worth for the first time in my life. I finally forgot what it was like to look at myself in the mirror with complete and utter disgust. I loved myself for the first time in my life. I was able to look at myself in the mirror and stay with my reflection and was proud of what I saw, not in a conceited way, but when I looked deeply into my eyes I saw my heart and I knew that I was of worth. I got to walk around feeling complete, ready to conquer the world…in the end, I got my fairytale, I got the grand love that I have been starving for my whole life, the most fulfilling relationship…and that was the one with myself and my higher power. This relationship has become the most valuable one to me, the one I care most about because through this process of the 12 Steps I have learned and experienced that when you love yourself, you don’t settle. You won’t settle for just anything or any person, because you know your worth. Talia