Brighter Than Any Light and Safer Than

It was early days, about three months in, and I had to travel for work. My record for staying sober when travelling was abysmal. The flights (its neither here nor there, no one can see, ill sleep it off before we land, its the only time I have 7 hours to myself), the airports, the hotels or the old haunts of my hometown. Often a complete disaster. I called my sponsor to tell her about the trip, and to tell her not to worry. For I had A Plan! It was a really good one! I laid out the details of exactly how I would stay sober, how I would bring hubby and baby, take a day time flight, seat myself in the window, read AA literature, make sure hubby stayed awake, eat carbohydrates, drink herbal tea. “That’s all very good. But none of this is going to stop you from drinking.” I was aghast. ”Why not?” “Don’t you see?  Nothing can get between you and a drink if you decide you want one. I could sit next to you also and that wouldn’t stop you. And we can’t all be there all the time to protect you. The only thing that will come between you and the first drink is your higher power. You are going to have to find your higher power, and SOON.” Oh! This was not good. I realised she was right. Whilst I liked the helpful and practical life skills I was learning in the program, it was utterly futile without spirituality and a relationship with my higher power. I spent years trying to stop – experimenting and wishing that so many things, good and bad, would be my defence against picking up again. These are just some of the things I thought – I hoped – would stop me:

• the colour coded Relapse Prevention Plan I clutched as I walked out the door of rehab. • the threat of going back to worse and worse rehabs for longer and longer periods • the Antabuse I started swapping for vitamin B pills as I grew restless, irritable and discontent • the anti craving drugs, the one that blocked the receptors, the ones that prevent ’emotional hijacking’, the stabilisers, the blue ones • the written warnings from work, the humiliation of colleagues avoiding me, the snide remarks I overheard about myself • the list of things I’d lost that the therapist made me carry around in my purse • the shock of the first signs of my body crumbling, the hallucinations, eye sight failing, foul smell coming off my skin each day, cracked red face • the greed and spite and desire to get revenge on all my of my nemeses, I’ll make them sorry! • the move to a Muslim country where booze was illegal • carrying around the letters from erstwhile housemates about what it was like to live with me, from strangers who had the pleasure of sitting next to me on a plane, and later from myself, to me, in moments of desperation • waking up to tubes in my arms, my mum’s sad and stressed eyes, her looking helpless and broken in a chair next to my hospital bed • the threat of losing my partner, whom I loved • the beautiful gurgling healthy baby that needed me to feed and love her • the ashrams, the energy healers, the yoga, the boxing, the sporting events to train for • the interesting and random diagnoses from the psychiatrists over the years (ah yes, that’s my story! Now that I know what’s wrong with me I don’t need to drink anymore!) • the newjobs, possibilities and opportunities that came when I stopped for a few months, the feeling of the world opening up again, that life could be so so so good if I just didn’t drink, the threat of pulling it all down all over again… (You could lose all of this! Again! Surely that’s the best reason never to drink again!!!)

NONE of that offered any defence against the first drink for me, not the happy stuff, not the dark stuff, nothing. It was all illusory crap, delusional or more attempts to get sober on will power alone. It seems that the obsession has been lifted recently but there are times the thought crosses my mind, appealingly, and when it happens my one and only defence is my higher power.  I’ve discovered that I  have to surrender every day to stay close to my higher power. I once heard a minister in a meeting say: put your hand in the hand of God, and the path will be brighter than any light and safer than any known way.  Today I visualise this frequently, as it is the only defence I have. ~ Caitlin