When I returned to AA with desperation by staying close to my sponsor and fellowship, I was grappling with a crazy number of searching questions of my being which were bothering me since my alcoholic problem began. I had the most stressful 3 days of sobriety after relapse – a fearful search of the core problem to reason out why it happened. For the first time, I was getting disturbed sleep in sobriety. On the 3rd day of regained sobriety I flew to Delhi to meet my family and attend my friend’s wedding. When I reached and met my parents, I confessed to them about my relapse and then kept questioning myself in front of them and listening to their responses in search of a solution to that thing which is killing me from within. The same evening I went to my Grandmom’s place where I had spent my childhood days. I was reliving memories of my childhood with my Grandmom who talked about my Grandfather. She was delighted that I could leave alcohol for 10 months. She told that my grandfather had 7 brothers and all of them were teetolers, vegetarian and believers in God. My Grandfather was the only one who was a chronic alcoholic, smoker and tobacco eater for his entire life till he passed away at the age of 89. And then she said that when he was passing away, she asked who is your closest grandchild out of 8, and he said “Ankit is my most loving grandchild.” She got emotional. She then said “Please be good for him. We all love you.“ The time I spent during the same evening with my Uncle who’sa suffering alcoholic gave me an opportunity to analyse an alcoholic because I could relate to him. I wanted to convince him that he should quit and enjoy the sober life which I had experienced in those 10 months. He was drunk even at that time and I could see his life was so wasted and he was still unable to understand. But his journey is different and I will help him in my own way when I’m ready myself. When I hit the bed after just 2 hours of sleep and travel the night before, I could not gather sleep even till 5 in the morning despite being completely exhausted.. I was still looking for an answer. That was the peak of my mind’s struggle – another level of uneasiness I had never experienced before. I managed to sleep after putting on 10 mins of headspace mediation app. I finally slept.

I woke up in 5 hours and that was the moment when I felt released, relieved and easy. It felt like some sub- conscious release or some connection showing me the door to my solution. I had finally found the “answer”. I surrendered that I was powerless over alcohol… that I have a psychological condition.. that I have a mental disease.. and AA is the fellowship of suffering alcoholics who understand and feel the pain of this disease… I am ill. And for the very first time I could relive my alcoholic days in my mind as a third person looking at myself and wondering “this man is unwell and he doesn’t even realise!” Then I could empathise with each of my fellow AA members who are together with strength and hope. We all have a common thing and we need each other to live at a different spiritual level. God has given us this opportunity to get closer to him, her or it. felt connected and I could feel that I was on a different tangent altogether. My mind felt so relaxed after this realisation which finally sunk inside me. I couldn’t stop sharing this with other fellow AA members who have supported me until now and who have held my hand to show me the path to AA’s door. First thing, I called my sponsor and shared this overwhelming experience of connection with a HP and with the fellowship. He was thrilled and could completely understand me. He gave me amazing direction to lock this feeling by writing it, doing a gratitude list, meditation and prayer, reading the big book from foreword starting with doctor’s opinion and staying connected by sharing my experience. I kept doing it with some of the members who were showing me the door into AA right up until the last mile before I could have possibly faltered. I felt elated, free, happy and connected. I shared my experience with my parents, my Wife, my Sister and my closest Friend (who knew that I had this disease before I knew it) so they understand that I am surrendered. I can’t wait to hit a meeting tomorrow at my home place, the place where I was born, New Delhi. I am most grateful to my HP, to the fellowship and AA members for giving me this new life, of strength and hope, and helping me understand. My sharing brought happiness and relief in other members and they welcomed me on board. My path now is to start the programme in a completely different manner now that I have truly surrendered. This was a simple realisation yet the most powerful one for me. Thanks for letting me share. ~Anonymous