WitƎ DeƋp PaƏn CamƋ TotƇƒ SurƘƋƮdƥƘ

It all starts with the first step! We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. I am a real alcoholic. Once I put a drink into my body it sets off the craving and I want more. In addition, there’s that mental obsession where I believe it will be different this time, this time I can manage it, or sometimes I just say to hell with it, I’ll take my chances–I just want to get drunk! I also have the spiritual malady where I am totally self-centered and always thinking about me! That is the root of my problem. If you are a real alcoholic like me you only have two choices: die an alcoholic death or live a spiritual life. That’sa tough one to swallow! At two years sober I was still miserable, anxious, and unhealthy– I was a dry drunk! In an odd sort of way I set the stage to break myself open to have a spiritual awakening without even realizing what I was doing. At the end of How It Works it mentions three pertinent ideas, and the second, “That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.” was particularly apt for me during my recent spiritual experience. I had been grasping at straws, trying for a human power to relieve my alcoholism. On August 19, 2020 I got a big

and devastating “NO” from my “last straw”, someone who I was hoping would have relieved me of my alcoholism (i.e., someone who could make me feel OK about myself once and for all). With the blow of that “NO” I fell to my knees and I prayed with the “desperation of the drowning” (BB p. 28) and cried out for my higher power to help me. The rest of the day was full of anxiety but the obsession was starting to lift. Over the next few days I would say that a miracle happened. I picked up the Big Book and it finally hit me that I am a real alcoholic and I have to live a spiritual life if I want to be happy, joyous and free. Blessed with the Gift of Desperation, I fully surrendered. Finally I could see that no human power could relieve me but that God could and would if he were sought. So, now I seek God as I understand God. I pray, saying out loud that God is in charge, not me. My destiny is to live a spiritual life; I accept that now. That involves trudging, work, effort, surrender, and praying for the willingness. It’s been said to me this program is all about growing up, and to me accepting and living out my destiny is what growing up is all about. ~Margaret