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When I came to the rooms, I was 47. Was there any hope left? I didn’t know but I knew I had nowhere to go with my problem but AA, as all my options were exhausted. I still must have had some type of higher power or something which was guiding me through to find the AA.

would always make me drunk, so how to make sure and increase my chances not to pick up the first drink? The program and my higher power, which still had to be accepted at that stage of my recovery, worked in mysterious ways and thanks to the gift of desperation I was doing what I was told to do, not immediately but progressively and consequently. I also remembered, from that chapter of the Big Book, that psychic change was required to save the person doomed to alcoholism. Such change is beyond human power and can only be given by power greater than ourselves. AA jargon is full of phrases like; program of ego deflection, grow through the pain, spiritual program, submitting to higher power, give away what you received, surrender to win. Although some of those were paradoxes, all that suddenly started to make sense to me. Nonetheless I was told that AA program requires to be worked and not to be understood, that this is a simple program of action. Someone even said not only to work the program but to live in the program. I love that, especially when it came to practicing these principles in all affairs.

Being a few weeks into recovery I was trying to attend as many meetings as I could, sometimes interrupted by business travels, but still to do the deal. The goal was to make 90/90, which meant 90 meetings in 90 days. At one of those meetings someone shared that alcoholism is a threefold disease: spiritual, mental, and physical. Then later on added that the alcoholic firstly collapses spiritually then mentally and lastly physically. Recovery is a reversed process, everyone has own journey and spiritual recovery may take longer time. I don’t think I understood anything that was said at that time.

After having read The Doctor’s Opinion from Big Book I learnt about physical allergy and the phenomenon of craving. That alcoholic is afflicted with the allergy to alcohol and one drink triggers an unstoppable urge to drink more and more, something which has been explained to me that ‘one drink is not enough and a thousand is too many’. When others can drink with impunity I knew that for me this was just a history. But understanding and knowing this is alcoholism is not enough. At that point of the time it was clear that the first drink

It was not easy but after a couple of months I chose a sponsor and started to work my 12 steps, attending meetings and taking some service positions. The 12th Step promise “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps” I have conditionally given up on working the program and staying connected with AA. I

am not sure when the psychic change or self-reliance, not reliance on God, failed me spiritual awakening happened exactly, as and reminded me again that I am not cured. both are synonymous to me, but my desire for alcohol vanished. Of course there are After my relapse I returned immediately to good and bad days and I am not cured but the rooms. The decision to come back was in recovery. The disease is still in me and relatively easy, which I am so thankful to my working to surface, when the time is right. It Higher Power, but now I have to work is like having a ‘time bomb’ inside and trying harder. to defuse it on a daily basis. That is what I have to focus on – 24 hours a day. I am still thinking that my God was teaching me a lesson and reminding me who I am – Being almost 9 years in recovery I learnt the the Alcoholic. hard way that this is a daily reprieve and it is contingent on the maintenance of our ~ Jarek spiritual condition. My complacency and