FindinǗ Mɖ Authentiƹ Self

The sojourn through my active alcoholism was a dark and nihilistic time. I had become an anxious and angry woman, a chronic people pleaser and a martyr–self-centered, self-indulgent, and self-sabotaging. When I put down the drink, slowly–through working the Steps–I began to change; little by little the layers of my dysfunctional false self began to fall away. Step 7 and 11 have been fundamental in me getting closer to my true self. Through prayer and meditation, God begins to remove the parts of my false self that no longer serve me, him or others. Through Step 4 I learn about the symptoms of the spiritual malady–my restlessness, irritability and discontentedness. These are indicators of my disturbance and when I am disturbed I know that there is something wrong with me and I have work to do. When I do the work I get more discovery, more growth, more cool stuff to learn, more interesting challenges to navigate, more happiness, more joy, more peace, more love. My actions and thought-life are either making me more spiritually sick or more spiritually well. The program is an education, a fascinating learning process. Before I came into the rooms I didn’t have spiritual principles, much less any integrity. Perhaps the greatest education of my life has been from this program: to learn what spiritual principles are, and begin to understand that I can actually adhere to them, once I’ve put down the drink. It’s also been the most self-esteem building work I’ve ever done.

Having and living by spiritual principles is my Higher Power (it is literally like having a superpower). They are the compass to which I base my actions on; not perfectly, but as long as I bring a level of willingness to do the work honestly and tell my sponsor or someone what’s going on, God begins to remove the defects and old ideas. From there I begin to experience freedom from the constraints of shame, guilt and anxiety. The lighter and more serene I feel the more I know that I am living according to my true self. ~ Margaret