poor selves and how mummy and daddy didn’t love them! That was a tough pill to swallow. I was apparently affected by my alcoholic abusive father, sexual abuse and bullying and, from that point on my drinking took off. I was so disappointed with myself, I despised myself for being so weak! I hated people who were going to psychologists, I felt pity for them, “Just get yourself together! Don’t be a wimp!”

Hi, I’m Tatiana, Grateful recovering alcoholic!

The first time I came to the program I drank only once a week at parties, always drinking till the morning. I didn’t see the point in drinking one or two glasses. Work hard, play hard was my motto. After each party I would have an emotional breakdown, but I didn’t know why. I would cry, drink some more, cry some more, and try to figure out why the hell am I crying? It felt like the whole world was closing down on me and I felt this doom that I didn’t think would ever pass. I would beg for death, even though my life outside was great and my close friends would always be surprised why I am so depressed. They’d say, “You live a beautiful life, what are you complaining about?!” and I would feel guilty, and drink some more. Then I’d get sober and behave like a normal human being for the rest of the week, but deep inside there was this void and I just could not see what was wrong with me. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t know where else to go, so after another unsuccessful suicide attempt and an epic fight with my then husband I checked in to rehab, where no one sat with me and worked out if I was actually an alcoholic, (step one) everyone just assumed I was, and I didn’t argue because I needed help.

After I came out of rehab I continued to go to AA, and again, everyone just assumed I was an alcoholic, but here I started trying to actually figure out if I was. People just kept saying I’m in denial, no one had explained anything to me and of course I didn’t care to read the Big book or the Doctor’s opinion, I was so much smarter than that! My favorite philosophers at the age of 15 were Nietzsche, Jung and Freud for God’s sake! What could I find more intellectual than that in the stupid big book written by a bunch of alcoholics!

Secretly I would take some tests that I could find to confirm I wasn’t an alcoholic! So I left AA and tried to fix my PTSD and a bunch of other diagnoses that I got in rehab but now I gave myself permission to drink more! After listening to all the war stories in rehab and AA I thought, wow, I could drink at least two nights a week and still won’t qualify as an alcoholic!

Then the psychiatrist prescribed me pills. It was impossible to accept, it meant that I was a hopeless case, not just weak but actually sick and one step away from a loony hospital. I drank more, however not as much and only twice a week, I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic. Every day I was checking myself whether I’m an alcoholic and tried to prove to myself I wasn’t! My doctor gave me pills to remove the craving

To go to a psychologist and to be weak seemed an even worse idea for me. I didn’t blame anyone and I always thought I was a warrior and no one could affect me. The first session with a doctor finally shed light at what was going on. I wasn’t crazy, I was weak! I was just as weak as all of those who go to psychiatrists and whine about their

and I would drink just to prove I am choosing to! Those pills make alcohol taste like metal, you really don’t want another glass, but I’d be determined to finish a bottle just to show that it was me who chose!

my trauma became so much more effective! What a revelation! I finally understood what “avoidance” is! I could make the connection between my anxieties, panic attacks, the triggers and the memories of actual events that caused it finally came to me! Now I believe I’ve recovered from my traumas too as I don’t get any symptoms, I suddenly want to live again!

Only when I started to get into more and more trouble while drunk, finally hit my rock bottom did I run back to AA, on my knees, humbled and ready. This time I was convinced I was a real alcoholic and realized that all my problems are of my own making, so I started to work the program.

And most importantly, for me, I made peace with my higher power! I let it into my life and into my heart. I do not fight it anymore and I pray every day that it will never let me wander away again!

In the first few weeks my trauma started to jump out at me, and what a surprise! Being sober and working on my steps, working on