8,758  hours  and  counting  ……. 365  days,  I  cannot  quite  believe  it.  It’s  early  but  I  can’t  sleep,  and  I  don’t  want  to  waste  a  minute  of this  day.    When  I  was  thinking  about  writing  this,  there  was  so  much  going  through  my  head,  and  as I  put  pen  to  paper,  or  fingers  to  keyboard,  my  mind  is  almost  blank.    All  those  words  and  phrases that  sounded  wise  and  special,  that  really  encapsulate  my  feelings,  have  now  disappeared.  But  I have   found   over   the   past   year   of   this   incredible   journey,   that   is   not   a   reason   to   stop   or procrastinate,  and  that  by  trusting  in  my  Higher  Power  and,  and  this  I  still  struggle  with,  myself,  the right  words  will  come. A  year  ago,  the  thought  of  not  having  a  drink,  for  a  whole  year,  was  beyond  comprehension,  I  don’t want  to  focus  too  much  on  the  before.  Needless  to  say,  this  time  last  year  I  was  broken,  I  did  not care  if  I  lived  or  died,  I  was  overcome  with  self-­‐pity  and  feelings  of  self  loathing  and  I  was  fighting, everyone,  everything  and  myself.  I  could  not  imagine  going  for  more  than  a  few  weeks  without  a drink.  I  could  manage  up  to  six  weeks,  trying  to  prove  that  I  was  not  an  alcoholic,  despite  all  the signs,  but  at  the  end  of  these  brief  periods  of  sobriety,  I  would  go  back  to  drinking  with  renewed vigour   and   the   feelings   of   loneliness,   desperation   and   immense   sadness   did   not   go   away   during those  times. Luckily  (I  see  that  now  with  the  benefit  of  hindsight,  because  at  the  time  I  certainly  did  not  feel lucky)  I  got  to  the  point  where  I  was  ready  for  help.  I  say  lucky,  because  I  still  had  family  and  friends who  cared  enough  to  suggest  that  I  may  need  some  time  away  in  a  rehab  in  order  to  help  me  find out  who  I  was,  what  I  had  become  and  start  me  on  this  journey  to  be  who  I  am  supposed  to  be.    I say  lucky  because  I  had  this  opportunity,  that  I  was  not  so  far  down  the  road  that  I  had  alienated everyone  and  that  I  was  ready  to  listen  and  to  learn. There  are  some  similarities  between  where  I  was  this  time  last  year  and  where  I  am  today.  I  am  in Thailand,  and  I  think  that  is  the  extent  of  it.  I  have  my  wallet  and  my  passport;  I  have  24-­‐hour  access to  the  “new  media  technologies  such  as  the  Internet”,  and  a  plethora  of  ways  to  communicate  with my  friends  and  family.  And  I  feel  alive,  not  that  my  life  is  over,  but  that  my  life  is  just  beginning  and this  truly  amazing  feeling  I  don’t  want  to  lose.  And  now  I  know  that  if  I  am  willing  to  continue  to learn  I  don’t  have  to. Today  I  know  who  I  am,  or  at  least  who  I  want  to  be.  I  am  learning  to  live  like  a  grown  up,  I  am learning  to  take  responsibility  for  myself,  my  actions  and  to  understand  the  effect  that  I  have  on others  with  my  words  and  actions. There   are   many   things   that   I   still   struggle   with,   but   by   following   suggestions   and   taking   those “contrary”  actions,  even  these  are  getting  easier.  Not  easy,  but  easier.

Very  early  in  my  recovery,  after  a  few  weeks  in  the  rooms  of  AA,  I  heard  people  share  that  they were  a  “grateful  alcoholic”.  I  did  not  understand  what  they  meant.  I  could  not  imagine  how  anyone could  be  grateful  to  be  an  alcoholic.  Today  I  can  honestly  say  that  I  am  one  of  these  people. I  have  accepted  that  I  am  an  alcoholic,  and  today  I  am  grateful:

• For  the  Fellowship,  because  I  know  that  without  it,  I  would  not  be  sitting  here  today,  one year  sober.  How  amazing  to  be  part  of  a  group  of  people,  who  understand,  who  don’t  judge and  who  are  always  there  for  you.

• That  I  have  learned  to  ask  for  help,  that  it  does  not  mean  that  I  am  weak,  but  that  I  am strong  and  I  recognize  that  I  cannot  do  everything,  and  that  is  ok.

• ·∙That  every  day,  there  is  something  that  amazes  me,  and  that  I  can  learn  from.  The  little things  that  happen  during  the  day,  which  make  me  smile.  The  little  things  that  happen  during the  day,  that  in  the  past  would  send  me  into  a  tail  spin  of  anger  and  self  pity,  that  now  I  can take  a  pause,  see  them  for  what  they  really  are  and  let  go.  That  not  everything  is  about  me, and  so  much  of  life  is  about  perception  and  a  simple  shift  in  my  thinking  can  make  my  day better,  and  as  result  better  for  those  around  me.

• That  my  life  gets  better  each  day.  That  is  not  to  say  that  everyday  is  a  good  day.  It  is  not,  but when  I  think  back  to  a  year  ago,  even  the  bad  days  are  better  than  where  I  was.  And  now  I know  that  bad  days  pass,  and  that  if  I  do  the  work  and  take  action  I  do  have  a  role  to  play  in my  own  life  and  I  can  choose  how  I  want  to  live.  A  year  ago  I  did  not  have  this  choice,  happy or  sad,  alone  or  surrounded  by  people,  tired  or  bursting  with  energy,  it  was  all  about  the next  drink.

• That  I  am  learning  about  the  gift  of  giving,  and  its  not  just  about  material  things,  that  I  can  do this  with  no  expectation  of  something  in  return  and  I  can  still  feel  good.  That  the  motivation is  not  about  self  but  about  helping  someone  else,  and  that  is  its  own  reward.

• That  my  relationship  with  my  family  is  improving  beyond  my  imagination.  That  is  not  to  say they  don’t  on  occasion  drive  me  mad,  but  they  no  longer  drive  me  to  drink.  A  year  ago  my sister  wrote,  “I  want  my  sister  back”,  and  even  now  it  brings  me  to  tears,  and  when  others share  similar  stories,  I  get  very  emotional.  And  today,  I  can  say  that  I  am  working  on  being that  sister  and  that  daughter,  that  friend  and  companion,  who  disappeared  for  a  few  years.

• That  I  am  becoming  aware,  of  the  things  around  me.  I  no  longer  walk  with  my  head  down, avoiding  eye  contact,  avoiding  seeing  the  beauty  around  me,  avoiding  any  type  of  interaction with  others.  I  can  hold  my  head  up  and  l  feel  that  I  am  experiencing  the  world  as  it  is,  not  as  I

want  or  as  I  think  it  should  be.    That  by  learning  to  listen  and  to  actually  hear  I  can  make  the necessary  changes  to  live  my  life  in  a  more  spiritual  and  healthy  way.

• That  I  have  a  simple  program  for  living.    That  in  learning  to  take  responsibility  for  myself  and my  actions,  that  my  life  has  improved  in  ways  I  could  not  even  imagine  a  year  ago.  That through  the  steps  and  through  the  wise  counsel  and  inspiration  I  get  from  my  sponsor,  and my  fellows  I  can  honestly  say  that  today  I  am  happier  today  than  I  have  been  in  years.  Even as  I  write  through  tears,  these  are  not  tears  of  sadness  or  frustration,  but  of  sheer  emotion of  gratitude  that  I  have  been  given  this  chance  to  live  a  better  life. Anonymous -­‐  -­‐  -­‐  -­‐ He  said,  “there  are  only  two  days  in  the  year  that  nothing  can  be  done.  One  is  called  yesterday and  the  other  is  called  tomorrow,  so  today  is  the  right  day  to  love,  believe,  do  and  mostly  live”. ~  Dalai  Lama In  the  end,  only  three  things  matter:  how  much  you  loved,  how  gently  you  lived,  and  how gracefully  you  let  go  of  the  things  not  meant  for  you.  ~  Buddha

If  someone  has  offended  you,  insulted  you  or  disappointed  you,  Let  It  Go.  If  you  are remembering  all  the  ways  you  have  been  hurt  or  forgotten,  let  it  go!  Ask  yourself,  what  good does  it  do  for  me  to  hold  on  to  this.  ~  Iyanla  Vanzant Always  say  ‘yes’  to  the  present  moment…  Surrender  to  what  is.  Say  ‘yes’  to  life  -­‐  and  see  how  life starts  suddenly  to  start  working  for  you  rather  than  against  you.~  Eckhart  Tolle -­‐  -­‐  -­‐  -­‐