Journal  Entry,  October  xx,  20xx “Sharing  at  a  meeting  is  a  service  to  others  but  also  an  important  part  of  my  own  recovery.    I  was grateful   this   morning   for   the   opportunity   to   share   my   story   at   a   meeting.   At   the   conclusion,   it became  as  clear  to  me  as  if  written  on  a  neon  sign  how  I  have  been  fighting  this  disease  my  whole life  and  fighting  the  solution  that  is  found  in  AA.    Today,  I  have  totally  surrendered  to  my  disease and  to  the  steps  of  AA.  Looking  at  the  misery  and  self-­‐pity  and  loneliness  that  filled  my  life  before working  the  program,  AA  is  definitely  the  “easier  and  softer  way”.    However,  I  needed  to  follow  my own   circuitous   journey   to   get   here   and   that   route   was   always   downhill.     I   have   no   regrets   but incredible   gratitude   that   I   made   it   back   into   the   rooms.     And   I   am   incredibly   grateful   that   the fellowship  always  was  there  to  welcome  me.”

It is now a few weeks from that day when I shared my story. The other morning I pulled up on my computer the above reflection written immediately after my share. As I read my journal entry I was shocked at the realization of how quickly I can take back the reigns of my own recovery. I underlined the line that jumped out at me. And here’s why… If I am totally surrendered to my disease and the steps of AA, I would not be balking at writing my step 4! Yes, it is on my mind constantly, I pray about it, meditate, talk to others, tell my sponsor but I still haven’t written but a few words. I have surrendered to my inability to drink alcohol but that surrender is not complete unless I surrender in all areas of my life, unless I surrender completely and thoroughly to the Steps. Reading my old journal entry made me see in black and white how I was not surrendering and trusting my HP to guide me. We don’t surrender once to this disease. We surrender every day. The disease is so much more than my drinking, it is my thinking! Surrender, the easier softer way. Sounds simple, but very difficult for this alcoholic. As I said, I was struggling with step 4. How was that evidenced? Well, I started suggesting to my sponsor a different way of approaching the step. I started thinking I could see my part in things and, therefore, saw no need to write down certain resentments. Was I practicing surrender and humility? NO! Did I see I was taking back control? NO! Did I see that my self-­‐will was running riot? NO! My sponsor did though. So, through my sponsor’s guidance, I found myself back at Steps 1, 2 and 3. In those pages in the 12×12 that I have read so many times, I found answers to my current blockage. The ‘juggernaut of self will’ has its grip on me whenever I do not practice humility and surrender. Juggernaut is a huge, powerful, and overwhelming force. Only a Power greater than myself can help me overcome my self will. Reliance on myself will lead me to a drink, not today, not tomorrow but someday. That I am sure of. I am living proof of that, for I’ve done it before. Once I take back my power, my self-­‐will, become unteachable, I am on a slippery slope back to my next drink. Once I surrender, once I admit that my best thinking will get me into trouble, once I turn my will and my life over to the god of my own understanding I am again on the road of happy destiny. I have learned to start each morning now asking my Higher Power to keep me sober for that day so I can do his will, and for this alcoholic my daily morning prayer is a practice in surrender and humility. Throughout the day I often have to repeat my prayer, asking for guidance and the humility to listen and learn. This program is hard work, but it is the easier softer way.