I have a body that can not stop craving alcohol once I take the first drink. I have a mind that will tell me it is OK to take that first drink despite all the evidence I have that it’s going to take me right back to the start of another painful process.

… were as powerful to me as it would, had been the first human being to have discovered how to make fire.

My problem starts in the mind because – left to my own devices – I am going to reach a point where a drink seems like a good idea and – at that point – I have absolutely no defense against the monumental dishonesty that my very being is capable of. My head is going to make me take that first drink (or drug).

Having taken the first drink, I am then powerless over the obsessional crav­ ings manifested in my body.

When this awareness sinks in for me, I feel absolutely SC***ED! The other curious yet powerful aspect of step one for me is around the word ‘admitted’.

Admitting any weakness was tantamount to failure; based upon the beliefs that I brought into Alcoholics Anonymous. As I have continued to attend meet­ ings and listen to other people who share similar experiences to me and as I worked through our 12 steps with a sponsor; I started to see how total admission of de­ feat in the face of the two truths I have just shared; has become one of the most courageous and significant ‘achievements’ of my life. I have done quite a lot of ‘admitting’ whilst I have been a member of AA. However, the most important ad­

missions were the first ones I made in the face of step one. These admissions gave me the willingness to walk through the door that was opened in front of me by AA

and my sponsor. Without these admissions, I know that I would not be here today as, insanity, jails, institutions and ultimately death – awaited me. Admission of my powerlessness in the face of such a cunning foe as alcohol. Admission that left to my own devices I made no headway against my condi­ tion. Admission that my life had become completely unmanageable. Once I had admitted my powerlessness against alcohol, I was then able to see just how unmanageable every other aspect of my life had become. I learned that a lot of this unmanageability was due to my drinking and using. I have also learned that my life is unmanageable even when I am not drinking. This last insight has taken some time for me to buy into but today I realise the importance of acknowl­ edging my unmanageability even though I have not taken a drink for a little while. Working step one for me is a bit like what I believe it must feel like if a per­ son is captured by terrorists, held in a dark room and in isolation for a long time, ultimately to be freed on a beautiful beach. When the blindfold is taken off that prisoner is presented with an awe inspiring sunset. When I was drinking and failing to stay stopped despite multiple attempts I was a prisoner to the disease of alcoholism. I was metaphorically placed on that beach when my sponsor walked me through step one to the point where I could accept it 100% within my head and my heart. The sunset is my higher power, my sponsor, my fellowship with people who share my experience strength and hope. My sunset is also the 12 steps and 12 tradi­ tions of this fellowship. The admission that I continue to make on a regular basis, provides me with enough willingness to: Work the other 11 steps to the best of my ability To go to that next meeting To be of service when I am given the opportunity to do so To recognize the importance of the newcomer To nurture my relationship with the higher power that came into my life and help me with this complete powerless and unmanageability To work step one again Without the admission of step one, I would not be able to do any of this. – Anonymous of Singapore

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol” In AA I have come to the realization that I am powerless. But powerless is not the same as worthless, useless or hopeless … I started out as a young adult feeling very powerful. I was smart, educated, attractive and capable. There was always a man around to feed my ego and provide drama and thrills. People convinced me I could do whatever I wanted. I never questioned my behaviour or my right and ability to judge people, places and things. In fact, I wanted to make a career of it as an art critic. How did I end up at 52 feeling worthless, useless and hopeless? Why didn’tI ever follow through on the many opportunities that were presented to me? How did I come to be such a disappointment to myself and others? The answer is, of course, “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” due to drug and alcohol abuse. Seems so obvious now! But for 20 years I couldn’t see it. From 16 to 36 I attributed all my problems to outside circumstances: my alcoholic father, my loca­ tion, my controlling boyfriends, my frail mental health, etc. To cope with these situations I drank and used. At 26 it seemed like time to grow up, so I gave up drugs. No problem! But the drinking only increased to fill in the gap, and after sinking into a pit of self-pity and misery in which I set my house on fire and be­ came unable to drive a car, I finally saw in the mirror what I had become. My father. I was horrified, but still waffled for many months until daytime blackouts forced me to admit to someone else that I was an alcoholic. That person, my doctor who also knew me socially, felt that I must be exag­ gerating the problem and maybe I should talk to an analyst. Then maybe I should talk to a gastro-enterologist. With their help and lots of medication I managed 2 years sobriety, hating myself and the world. Then I came to Singapore and drank again for 6 years before finally, as a last resort and with no more money for psy­ chiatrists, I dragged myself to a Saturday morning meeting of the Serenity Sisters. Now, for a voluntary contribution of $2 per meeting, I know that I am pow­ erless over alcohol, and that is a good thing for me to know and to believe. But it ain’t easy. It’s something I have to think long and hard about and remember every day, because it’s the only way for me to make enough room for my Higher Power to come into my life and show me how to climb out of the pit. Today I know that I can be useful, worthwhile and full of hope. If I want it. If I’m willing to do what­ ever it takes. – Claire