I wanted to offer Jenny the gift of my commitment to accompany her on her journey away from me, even if to do so simply meant dedicating my heartbeat and my breath to her and paying attention.
This reversal of roles caught me off guard. Wouldn’tI be the one getting the chance? Debbie’s reframing of sponsorship was my first clue that I was stepping into a legacy of service completely different from what I was used to, and exactly what I needed.
I did not engage in this practice to prove something to myself or anyone else. I was not interested in flexing my spiritual muscles. I did it for Jenny. My willingness to stay present through this process was an act of devotion.
One by one, four of Debbie’s sponsees called me that week. Their experiences floored me, and their compassion humbled me. They knew nothing about me and yet were willing to reach across time zones — and generations — to connect.
A devotional practice of paying attention to the moment-to-moment experience of my grief is the most sober challenge I’ve ever undertaken. Not because the pain brought me toward a drink, but rather because my addiction had once brought me close to death, and now my brother’s death would bring me closer to God.
In my first conversation with Katy she talked about trauma, and about losing family members to our disease. She had the energetic signature of an auntie, and more than 30 years of sobriety in AA. She told me “I don’t sponsor sponsees. I sponsor sponsors.”
Our work together has been methodical and holy.
——————– The quote is from Mirabai Starr’s book Caravan of No Despair
It reminds me of an illuminating description of the Way of Taoism: It’s not the river itself; it’s the watercourse. It’s the riverbed. That’s the Way. And what flows through the Way is sometimes turbulent and sometimes placid; moving sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. Katy is part of the river of my life now, and together we’re traveling the Way.
Here’sa link to the LA All-Inclusive Meeting: https://lacoaa.org/meeting-details.php?id=12578
I am working a program for my brother as a gesture of surrender to God’s reality. I believe the opposite of self-centeredness is God-centeredness. I live in a world — in a body and in a lifetime — I cannot control. What greater gift to my baby brother than to allow myself to travel the Way with grace and courage.
All of us are just collaborators in one another’s stories, and that includes our loved ones on the other side, our higher powers, our sponsors, our sober siblings, our ancestors, and authors and mystics we’ll never meet but who have changed us.
Once a month Debbie D’s sponsor holds a private online meeting, just for her sponsees, and their sponsees, and theirs. It’sa huge group of women and men all over the world, representing countless heartbreaks and losses and triumphs and immeasurable wisdom.
Last year I lost the member of my family I was closest to, and absolutely nothing will ever make that okay. But stepping into Katy’s guidance and her legacy of sponsorship has felt like joining a new family.
It’sa legacy of hope and strength that someday I’ll get to invite someone new into. ~Kel
went through my “toe curlers”. And, after taking step 5 with him, I experienced the step 5 promises.
“But apart from taking me through the AA 12 steps, guiding me through good or bad times, coaching me on service, listening to my spot check inventories and been loving, kind and tolerant, what has my sponsor ever done for me?”…
My third and current sponsor, Jonathan D – I actually asked Jonathan to sponsor me when I moved to Singapore, instead of my first two sponsors that had approached me. I am always amazed at his dedication to service and working with other alcoholic. Jonathan has guided me through various challenges with my ex-wife, my kids, job and health. He has such an attitude of gratitude. Some years ago, I needed to have knee surgery. I had to stay in the hospital overnight. The next day, Jonathan insisted on coming to see me and escort me home. When he saw my lack of mobility, he instantly bought a wheelchair for me at the hospital. We have spent many hours with pen and paper. I am forever grateful for his wisdom and his time.
I have had three sponsors in AA. All of my sponsors have guided me with an attitude of gratitude.
My first sponsor, Frank G – within my first week or so of sobriety, I bumped into him when picking my kids up from school. He recognised me from my first meeting. He asked me if I had a sponsor and offered to be my temporary sponsor until I found a sponsor. This was like showing a lifeline to a drowning man. He used to spend quite a bit of time teaching me about gratitude. He was there to support me when my previous marriage fell apart, during sobriety. And, then shortly afterwards, he was there for me when my mother passed away. I learned many lessons from Frank. I remember a time when I had picked up a big resentment over nothing with another guy in the fellowship. The irony is the resentment was with the guy that 12th stepped me and took me to my first meeting, who had, in essence, saved my life. I was away in Germany and I was calling Frank and I went to tell him about the resentment and he cut me short and said, “I don’t care who is right or wrong, but, is this resentment you are carrying bringing you closer to a drink?” That really helped me to open my eyes and see where I had been at fault.
I have learned that the best way for me to demonstrate my gratitude for my sponsors is to pay it forward and work with other alcoholics and try and give them some of the love, patience, tolerance and kindness that I have received in bounds from these loving gentlemen.
Frank G – If by 9am you meet 3 assholes, best to check in the mirror. Frank G – The thing with opinions, they are like assholes, everyone’s got one. James M – Don’t be a douchebag and help others. Jonathan D – I am glad I’m in the lifeboat. Jonathan D – Many meetings, many chances; few meetings, few chances; no meetings, no chances. Jonathan D – I can’t get full on yesterday’s hamburger.
My second sponsor, James M – I was in my first few months of sobriety in Dubai and he basically ambushed me and became my sponsor one afternoon when he had just asked me to come over and read step 4 with him in the big book. He gave me a deadline of two weeks to complete the step before taking step 5. He impressed on me the importance of writing down my “toe curlers” and that I would need to share these when we did step 5. I really needed that nudge to get me going. When we went through my inventory, he made sure that we