04 I am not an alcoholic! 05 They welcomed me, broken as I was 07 The attention and sharing made me cry 08 Now-familiar strangers 09 Rollercoaster of emotions 10 A deep, natural flow of love and care 11 My father ruined alcoholism for me

I am not an Alcoholic!

think of me? What if I knew someone in a meeting? Fear, self pity, resentment and grief overwhelmed me. Remember…I’m not an alcoholic!

On the phone was an AA fellow with the kindest, most gentle voice. This angel listened, comforted me and explained what was happening to me. How did this stranger know exactly how I was feeling and what I was going through?

My life was not unmanageable, or so I thought. I had a beautiful family, an amazing career, a house, a car and money, so I could not possibly be an alcoholic, right? Not me!

People were telling me that I drank too much, was an embarrassment to go out with, had a problem and needed help. To appease the naysayers, I decided to complete a three month outpatient addiction programme, not because I was an alcoholic but just to shut people up. I learnt so much about the disease of addiction. I completed group meetings with others who had problems with alcohol, porn, gambling, sex and drugs. I heard from amazing people with fascinatingly sad stories to tell. I graduated from the programme, hooray. Myself and my family were relieved that I was fixed, cured, never to drink to black out again! I couldn’t wait to get back out there and drink like a gentleman and prove everyone wrong.

Wow! Here was someone who got me and felt like I did. This fellow came out of their way to pick me up and drive me thirty minutes to my first meeting. They explained they had been sober for many decades and I was genuinely intrigued as to why they still went to meetings. Their sincere response astounded me, “By you calling the hotline you kept me sober today.” I was baffled.

At my first meeting I was greeted with warm hugs and an abundance of phone numbers with gentle encouragement to call them. What a friendly bunch, I thought. I sat and listened to share after share. It was like they were telling my life story. Here I was thinking I was all alone in this world, but now this room full of strangers was telling my story. The shares were of sadness, desperation, loneliness, lies and isolation but then something wonderful happened. These shares I heard concluded powerfully with words of hope, love, laughter, strength, experience and faith. It wasn’t like the movies after all!

What happened next was months of blackouts, empty promises, relapse after relapse, my children crying and begging me to stop. My marriage of decades was falling apart, my children were barely talking to me and with no job to speak of I was still convinced I wasn’t an alcoholic. Why oh why could I not beat this thing? I am a strong, independent, strong-willed person: where was I going wrong?

After a much-begrudged family intervention, I was put through to the national AA hotline. I’d seen AA meetings in the movies. They were depressing, sad, grey and despairing, right? What if people found out that I had joined AA? What would people

As my AA journey as a newcomer continued, I met many wonderful fellows, one of whom would become my

sponsor. My sponsor spoke with such kindness, wisdom, warmth and great sense. My sponsor gently encouraged me to meditate, surrender to my higher power (whatever that maybe), connect with fellows, share my thoughts and feelings, acknowledge my resentments and my role in them, and to be of service to the fellowship. Today I am sober, just for today, because I didn’t pick up that first drink.

Here is what I did today stop the insanity in my mind, my body and my soul:

• I got on my knees and surrendered to

my Higher Power and asked for help to

not pick up that first drink.

• Called my amazing fellows, just to say

hi and see how they are doing today.

• Attended a meeting where I laughed a

lot and cried a little.

• Shared at a meeting

• Wrote my gratitude list.

• Did my evening inventory.

I finally understood why I kept relapsing: because I was alone. I was missing identification, connection to fellows, connection to a power greater than myself and service to the fellowship. I was missing unification.

My name is Singapore and I am a grateful alcoholic.