Q: What did “coming to believe” mean to you when you first came into the fellowship?

Q: Was believing, or even willingness to believe, in a Higher Power easy or difficult for you at the start? Why?

The first time that I came to AA, I didn’t believe that I was an Alcoholic. I came because I was forced to. During that time, something special happened. I was living in Shanghai and I was in the hospital. My sponsor at the time asked if I would visit another woman with her who had an issue with alcohol. I did not believe that I was an alcoholic but I went. I did believe that the woman was an alcoholic: drinking a bottle of whiskey, house smelling of alcohol, functioning alcoholic with a high-pressure job and two little girls that she was taking care of by herself. She was everything that I did not want to be, did not want to become, nor believed I would become.

When I came in, I thought that this was a cult! There was God and there were prayers everywhere. I’ve been raised Catholic but I had a resentment towards God and religion because God had not given me what I had wanted.

I believe Steps Four and Five are miraculous to overcome it. After working Step Four, I realised the role of my own selfishness and inconsideration in my resentment towards religion. So, I made peace with that and, once I did that, I started to believe.

A sentence that I find great is: AA does not ask you to believe in God, it asks you to believe that you’re not God. This is an ego deflation program. Just by believing that it’s not all about me, we have already taken a big step. Before, I wanted to control everything, but now I have learned that there is a power much bigger than me. That can be anything. I was once told by an atheist fellow that his Higher Power is the Brooklyn Bridge because when he looked at it, he found himself very small and it deflated his ego. It still took me a long time to use the word God in the AA program because, for me, God was religion and Higher Power was spirituality. Using the word Higher Power helped me in the beginning because Higher Power means anything that is higher than me.

Shortly after that, I fell out of the program. It took me another four years of trying everything in More About Alcoholism before admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. Then I had this hint, which now I understand is my Higher Power, that I needed to go back to a meeting. A woman was chairing the meeting: peaceful, calm, serene and beautiful — I wanted to have what she had. At the end of the meeting, she came to me and said: “I remember you, you were the one who came to see me at the hospital four years ago”.

Right then, I had seen the miracle of AA. She was the woman that I didn’t want to be to becoming the one I wanted to be. And then, I was ready to do whatever I was told after. This woman became my sponsor.

to believe in God; it asks you to believe

that you’re not God.

2.Coming to believe

Q: What does Coming to Believe in your Higher Power mean to you now?

It means full surrender. It means that I am not in charge and that everything happens for a reason. There’s no mistake in God’s world; God will not give you what you can’t handle. God is love, Higher Power is love. So even if sometimes, a situation can seem complicated or painful, now at five years I know that surrendering my will and life to the care of God is the only way. Maybe the pain is meant for me to go through because my life needs to change in one way or another. Maybe it’s also an opportunity for me to help someone else with the experience of going through that difficulty, sober.

Q: How has this faith in your Higher Power changed the way you live your life?

I will share a recent instance of the change I am experiencing now. We were due for prison service last Saturday and, for some reason, the session did not happen. In the past, I would have been resentful because I would think that I took time away from my children and planned all things around the service. Now, thanks to this faith in a Higher Power, I know that there is a reason that this happened. I could get together with a fellow, go for chocolate and discuss our respective sobriety journey. I could then go back home early to my kids and I thanked God that this happened. Now I feel grateful for everything that happens because my Higher Power doesn’t give me what I want, it gives me what I need.

One of the things that really helps me is the daily gratitude list. Because I see God and Higher Power in even small things. It can be little joys like someone holding a door, being able to catch a bus that I was not supposed to, a smile of a child, a dog playing in the garden, the sun after the rain. Coming to believe now for me is more of a feeling of being connected to the universe. It can be whatever you want to call it: creative intelligence, God, Higher Power, Brooklyn Bridge, something that is just magnificent, beautiful and loving.

Q: How has this faith in your Higher Power changed the way you live your life?

I was two years sober in the program. Then, a secret emerged from my past. I had wanted to share it earlier, but it would have hurt others and we don’t hurt others as per Step Nine. I thank God that I was two years sober when this happened because I probably would not have been able to remain sober any earlier.

Q: How did you “Come to believe” in your Higher Power? Was it a sudden moment or a process you went through?

When I first came in, I was told that “came to believe” is a three-words’ phrase. “Come” is an action and our program is one of action. So first, just come. You don’t need to come to God, you just come to a meeting. Then at some point, you start coming to meetings for a relief, to see fellows, to be of service. Then slowly you come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It took me 15 years to get five years of sobriety, but I always knew deep down that AA is the solution for me because I had tried everything else.

At the time, I went into a difficult period with my family. I had nowhere to turn to but my Higher Power. I was praying often, calling many fellows and going to multiple meetings everyday. I was holding on to the program and my Higher Power like my life was being held by a thread.

I was depressed but what helped me was the thinking that this too shall pass and I have no control over how people will react. That was a real moment of surrender. Then, the most wonderful thing that I never anticipated happened which was forgiveness, moving along and keeping my family together.

I wouldn’t have been able to go through that time without my Higher Power and the fellowship. It brought me serenity which let me surrender and eventually make amends for the wrongs that I had done.

Q: Are there still periods when your faith feels shaken? How do you deal with periods when belief felt lessened or absent?

I think faith is like a muscle we have to build and strengthen. When my faith is shaken then I am not doing enough for it. Like I’m not doing my daily gratitude list, not meditating enough or not praying enough.

Q: What would you say to someone who wants recovery but can’t connect with the idea of a Higher Power?

There certainly are moments where I feel that there is injustice or I feel resentful towards God, because things are not going my way. But I also know that the contrary of faith is fear so when I’m in fear, then it means that I’m not working enough on my faith. So what can I do? AA is a program of action: I can go down on my knees and pray or write my gratitude list to count my blessings for today. All these make me feel more connected with my Higher Power and regain strength in my faith.

I think that’s first of all, this is an ego deflation program because selfishness or self-centredness is the root of our issue. So, as part of the ego deflation, we need to find something that is more powerful than us. If you just reach this point, then you’re already off to a good start.

After that, it’s practice. So, go down on your knees and pray, write a gratitude list whether you want it or not. Actually, if you don’t want it, more reasons to do it because you need to take contrary action. Fake it till you make it. There is another great exercise that I liked, write the job description of your Higher Power. What do you want it to be: loving, caring, cherishing, understanding. Bob often says he had an issue in believing. An old timer told him to turn his will and life over to a chair and you will have much better results than when you handled your life. So whatever works for you: your dog, the Brooklyn Bridge, a chair: as long as you’re not in control of your life. Be humble and practice humility.

Q: Is there any person(s) who has helped you in your journey to discover or enhance your belief?

One of the first set of people to help were those I did a 12 Step workshop with over one weekend. This is where I was introduced to the concept of Two Way Prayer (2WP), which I started doing but am still working on to be consistent with. I also want to mention one of my sponsees here: seeing her grow in the practice of 2WP, seeing how her faith has deepened over the few months of her being consistent and promoting it to other people, is just beautiful.

When one can see faith developing in another, it feels real. Something else that has happened to me, thanks to AA: I went back to my religion; I went back through my children. They did help me by questioning the “whys” in life. I now give Bible study classes to kids, and I learn in the process because one can’t teach what one does not get.

Just the other week I was asked to speak out at a church about prayer and reading. There I shared my experience of AA as well. To me it’s all related: whether you’re Catholic and you call it the Christian God or whether you’re an atheist and it is the universe. I would also like to thank my sponsor because she’s an atheist but has been sober for 15 years. I asked her what it means to her to turn her will and life over to the care of God? And she said, “I don’t know, I just turn it over. As long as it’s not about me.”

3.Progress not perfection