It was around this time that I realised that being Happy was Allowed. I did not have to feel guilty for feeling good. It was not necessary to self—flagellate every single minute of the day. The sky is blue. I was OK just as I was. This is what “practicing these principles in all our affairs” meant. Surrender, inventory, apologise, help someone else. When I am deeply honest with myself and feel clean having done the right thing to the best of my ability, I can hold my head high and look people in the eye, two things I never did with alcohol coursing through my veins. Good things happen to me because “what goes around, comes around.” Very simple. God is acting in my life, because when I do the right thing I am carrying out God’s wishes.

Since moving to Singapore 24 years ago, I had knelt in the pew at the 8am service. First I prayed (demanded) to be able to control my drinking, then I “prayed” to be able to stop. Finally, head always pounding, I stopped praying. Saturday nights merited an extra pour, you see. I was resigned to be a drinker, defeated but still commanding the shots. Bad pun.

When I left my first meeting, on 31 July 2018, the obsession was lifted. I have never wanted to drink since then, which is not the same thing as being afraid to drink. At first, the dingy Damien Hall room was my higher power; all I had to do was show up 24 hours later, or sometimes even six hours later, clean. As sobriety progressed, I thought that anyone who had been sober for any period of time had it all figured out – they held the key to the magic. I lacked the confidence to see that I had it in myself.

Last Sunday, I was in the very same pew. I felt the presence of God. It had nothing to do with being in a formal church; it simply was early in the day, the building was surrounded by nature, and I had been engaging in an honest conversation with God for an hour. God was running through my veins. I had this very same feeling the next day, at the Monday lunch meeting, in that same dingy room at Damien Hall.

During Covid, an online women’s group was making its way through New Pair of Glasses. There is one diagram in that book, and it is a circle with a dot. The author uses it to illustrate that God either is, or He isn’t. Applying my keen alcoholic brain to that puzzle, I went through the analytical proof. At this point, my intellect and heart were disconnected. I “knew” one thing but felt and was acting something else. I was still in full throttle control. What I lacked was giving feelings equal weight as intellect, and my intellect was busy rationalizing run- arounds from all my fears.

The book goes on to quote a simple kid’s definition of God: “I feel clean inside and good things happen to me.” This simple test worked for me. No guilt, no conscience, no darkness, no anger, nor any of those dark and negative forces and feelings, and perhaps even love.

Another way to put it that makes sense to me is that God resides “deep within us” — a vague conglomeration of ethics and morals and conscience. This did it. All I had to do was on the wall, those 12 Steps.