During the recent events I have noticed patterns in my behaviour, whenever a new measure was introduced I was triggered and reacted in exactly the same way…..

In roughly the same order I felt an overwhelming urge to:

1. I want to drink

2. I want to smoke

3. I want to lay in bed all day and eat pizza and ice cream and watch Netflix. Or the walls.

4. I don’t want to see or talk to anyone.

5. I don’t want to put on a brave face and be strong.

6. I want to cry and grieve for days gone by and past decisions.

7. Then I want to slam the f**k out of the f**k it button.

These reactions are triggered through learnt behaviour. My inner self telling me that these coping methods will make me feel better. I now know this not to be true.

But that still doesn’t stop me from wanting to seek comfort.

Through Alcoholics Anonymous I have discovered that I react like this because I am in fear.

And guess what? That’s ok.

It’s ok to feel like that, to be scared because it is frightening.

My reactions and wanting to flee to the safety of my bedroom are because that’s how I have taught myself to cope, my entire life, with difficult situations, I have always run away – emotionally that is.

But running away has left me feeling even worse, my addictive behaviour heightens and it’s all because I am scared.

Scared of a myriad of things of which very little are fact based or actually happening right now.

So I’ve learnt to lean into the programme and practice self compassion.

I allow myself time to get my head around the new measures and I ask my HP to help me.

I don’t beat myself up. I allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. And I hand it over as best I can, on repeat. Can’t face another work video call, hand it over, can’t face another Zoom meeting, hand it over, want a drink, hand it over. I always thought this was a bit of a cop out but, guess what, they were right again – those AA old timers – and it works. Not instantly but it takes the edge off enough that I can do the Zoom meeting, or the work call.

In addition to handing it over, I practice self compassion and I force myself to get into the solution by sticking to my Circuit Breaker routine.

I dig into meetings and try being of service to other people. Especially those in recovery.

I try to keep myself in the present moment as much as possible.

I write my gratitude list and I look for the good in life.

I listen to positive happy music and I sing and dance in the privacy of my apartment or outside amongst my beloved trees.

I look around me at nature and I realise the universe is so much bigger than I am.

And then after a while, something shifts and I start to feel a bit better again.

I still get lonely, still have times of sadness and fear and that’s ok. I just keep handing it over and repeat my mantra of faith not fear.

A few more days and I realise I have done a 180….. I’m loving that I don’t have to go to the office and I have all this new flexibility in my life. I love that I can go for sunrise walks and chat to the turtles and go to online meetings without any makeup on and I don’t care!!! I’m grateful I have a job and so many wonderful people in my life.

I know that I’m on a journey and I know I will always feel scared when things happen that I don’t like, want, or understand.

But I’m learning that I can get through all these things without running away.

It takes self compassion, self care, self awareness and

SERVICE. Service helps more than anything to get me out of my fear based thinking.

Give myself some time to get it balanced out in my head.

First and foremost though I use the tools of the program, often begrudgingly (rigorous honesty) but I do it and sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, I am able to let the sunlight back in.

Tina