I had my first spiritual awakening when I took my very first drink…and I remember how I fucking loved it! Because now, I knew what it felt like to be normal, confident, funny and good enough – and the more I drank – the more I felt celebrated, smarter, sexier and richer! Until the next day (or a few days after that) where I would feel like shit again and then I would repeat the crazy cycle. Drink, feel good, then feel like shit and drink again. I always wanted to just feel good enough, but no amount of alcohol could give me what I so desperately wanted. Like most of us, active alcoholism took me to some really dark places and even though I tried to control my drinking, my life just seemed to get darker and darker with every drink that I took. Until I hit a hard rock bottom that almost cost me my life and cracked me at the core of my being…which, thank God, allowed the light to shine through. I joined the AA fellowship in early 2015 and I have just under 6 years of sobriety today – and I continue to experience various forms of awakenings daily. But there is one in particular that stands out for me: I was about 9 months sober at the time and I remember I saw myself in the mirror when I was on my work (I was unemployable for many years, so this was quite a big deal for me) and I could look into my own eyes properly for the very first time and I forgive

myself in that moment. I slowly learnt to start loving myself for who I was, and I think that’s where the obsession to drink left me.

I didn’t stay in forgiveness for myself and there would be countless times where I would still beat myself up, but forgiveness, love and many other spiritual awakenings – come and go. I think that is the amazing gift of the program, is that it keeps on working for me, when I work for it. I’m happy to not need to take a drink today, to take me out of my despair and I am thankful to each and every other alcoholic who gave me what alcohol always promised: peace, freedom, confidence and love. I am still an alcoholic and my name is Adrian.