With few exceptions our Book has so far spoken mostly about humans. But what we have said applies quite as much to pets. For every man or woman that drinks there is often a faithful pet that quivers at the next debauch, the dog who’s bowl remain unfilled, the thirsty parrot who’s plaintiff chirps go unheard. As pets of AA we want to leave you with the feeling that no passed out master is beyond hope if he can follow the simple AA programme. But we have all travelled a rocky road and would like to share our experience, strength and hope with you here. How many of us have crossed our hind legs for hours hoping master would wake up and take us out in the morning….too many. How many empty bowls have we licked for residue, for that hint of flavour to ward off the hunger pangs while master stays out for that ‘one more drink’ on a Friday night. How often has master stuck a well aimed boot up our rear ends when all we wanted was a welcome home pat ? When his voice turns hard and curses us for getting in his way as he collapses in the door. And what confusion reigns when, half pissed, he gets down on the floor for a good cuddle whispering “I love you’s” and tells us that only we understand him, only we truly love him before the missus drags him off by the ear. Have we not faced the stares of that poncy poodle in the lift, embarrassed by our mangy coats and unclipped nails. Our loyalty has often been so abused and led us into all kinds of predicaments; the protest poo on his favourite rug, the well placed pool of pee for him to slip in when he drunkenly stumbles in late, that swift nip, snarl or squawk. But truly, and despite all this, are we not the best of companions, ever forgiving, always ready with a face lick or a gentle paw ? We hoped that one day our master will drink like other men, but this fallacy must by broken for good if we are to be truly happy as pets.

Our masters fall into three groups: 1) The Forgetter- often there when we need him he still finds himself the worse for wear frequently and can be tardy with the vitals. We recommend slobbering his face or using an insistent paw as an encouraging reminder to do the needful. (For birds we recommend some gentle “who’sa pretty boy then?”; for fish try swimming upside down or backwards to get his attention!) 2) The Collapser- if he’s home at all it’s not long before he’s in a coma on the couch. Here claws and/or teeth may prove effective, we recommend focusing on the foot area and be prepared to run for cover under the coffee table when he wakes, too many off us have been mistaken for the lairy lout from down the pub that master hadn’t finished punching. (For birds we recommend extreme cackling and flapping; for fish try floating on the surface and gasping) 3) The Abuser- this master is hardly ever present and when he is you wish he wasn’t. Here drastic measures are required. We recommend watching back series of Lassie and Safari to get some tips. The book ‘opening the fridge with your teeth: surviving a neglectful master’ is also recommended. (For birds, escape may be the only option; for fish we suggest you consider eating your smaller brethren in a pinch; for cats…..well we expect you’ve already left The Forgetter or killed The Collapser). Good luck out there four legged, finned and winged friends! PS we hope to include a section for rodents, snakes and reptiles, arthropods and other pets in our next edition. ~Mark L.