BeinǗ truǃ tȆ mɖself

This year has been a big old lesson on this. I thought being true to myself meant that I had to ‘live up’ to societal expectations of ‘getting’ stuff, things and people in my life. I think I thought that was what living was all about. Through AA, the 12 steps and reasoning things out with my sponsor and fellows what I’m coming to believe is that being true to myself is simply that. Being me, autonomously me. Admitting my thoughts, my feelings (even the ones I carry so much shame about feeling like anger, hate, and ungratefulness) and accepting that I AM feeling them. When I allow them to come, I seem to be reminded that this is the disease of alcoholism, and I’m powerless over that. Came for the drinking and stayed for the thinking! In taking this action it gives me the freedom to BE me and to allow others to give me what I really need when I’m feeling those things, which is love. Sometimes buckets and buckets of it. And you know, even when I’ve doubted it, it’s always come from fellows in AA, all over the world. I’m also starting to develop the courage to do things I want to do in my life, even if those choices may upset others. This is so tough sometimes! But when I take that right action the feelings of self esteem and freedom are built (which I think is what it means when it says we will ‘outgrow fear’) – and sometimes it takes a long time to outgrow things… I’m grateful I don’t have to do that alone!

Today, being true to myself is about showing up for me, allowing my wants and needs to be voiced and accepting that they don’t need to be met by just one person. I can pray for the willingness to love myself (even those parts I think aren’t worthy of love!) and I can pray for my higher power’s help to trust them, and to trust that I am worthy of living my life today and filling the space I was gifted on this planet. To thine own self be true. ~ Anon