I decided to surrender to this greater power, or God. In AA, I saw how different members are living their daily recovery, while retrospectively offering insight into how finding a new power and purpose is key to spiritual transformation. Gradually, I started to experience a new energy and optimism. I am finding the courage to believe in what I never thought or saw possible. My very own conception of God, although fuzzy and incomplete, sufficed. I allow myself to creatively imagine what this “realm of spirit” (p46, Alcoholics Anonymous) is, and how to connect with it. An intellectual curiosity with a heartfelt earnestness to find a new way to live becomes my motivation to keep going. My willingness to receive help beyond my once vaunted self- sufficiency is lighting up pieces of the puzzle.

Alcohol, once my best pal, had deserted me and brought me to my knees. After a hellish stay at a rehabilitation facility, alcohol no longer camouflaged what I feared to countenance; a shambolic, miserable existence, and a gaping hole in my soul. Then I entered the AA program. I started to attend meetings in person and online. I also found an AA fellow who was willing to be my sponsor. She led me through the AA literature, and I saw how the insanity of endlessly repetitive drinking episodes left me a life of devastation, and deep emotional wounds still festering. I had to admit I was utterly powerless. My life had become unmanageable. As I reached the end of myself, I understood the inherent insanity in how desperately and resolutely I clung to my belief in self- sufficiency. The program challenged me to be brutally honest, and to trust in a power greater than myself. Recovery from the abysmal mess demanded persistent hard work on the steps, based upon a “simple reliance” (p52, Alcoholics Anonymous) on God, or Spirit.

I am learning how my fear of uncertainty and distaste for intimacy are a hindrance and not a help in coming to believe. Having healthy connections with people and things have always been frighteningly difficult. My alienation kept me yearning for companionship yet finding closeness abhorrent at the same time.

I began to see how reason is fallible and incomplete, and often distorted to prop up a veneer, carefully crafted to conceal my brokenness within.

Nevertheless, the AA fellows continue to believe in me. They see in me an “inner resource” (p568, Appendix II, Alcoholics Anonymous) I never knew existed. Their compassion and acceptance are genuine, because they have personally experienced the mayhem caused by the same cunning and crippling disease. The weeks grow into months, and I remain open to new perspectives, and committed to honest self-examination. The trickery and guile of my mind still deceive me on occasion and threaten to sabotage my recovery. I am better at catching my cynicism and criticism at play in my search for my higher power, as Herbert Spencer so fittingly described as a sure way to “everlasting ignorance” (p568, Appendix II, Alcoholics Anonymous). Deliberate self-examination, with prayer and meditation, provide me a way to God ( p. 98, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions). It encourages an authentic, inquiring posture, and tolerance for the unknown. I am more mindful of the fear of the unfamiliar, or of what I had relied on most — alcohol, a survival strategy, a panacea for all agony, upended by something unfamiliar. Today, I see myself actively partaking in something greater. I continue to work my daily recovery with gratitude. Thank you, fellows!

“What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85 17