“Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. “It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.” ~ Andrew Murray For this alcoholic – humility is a daily battle. I came into this program 4 years ago with my very limited understanding of humility and ego – only to be confronted with love by my sponsor (and my sponsor in another program) with the knowledge that I had no humility at all. Zero. Nothing. I was ruled/dictated by my ego and my initial reaction with my understanding at that time, was that humility was weakness. To be humble meant having to say sorry, and I was not a fan of the word sorry.

As a female that obeys (most) laws and generally chooses to follow the rules (unless they don’t suit me) I couldn’t see why this would be an area for me to focus on. I heard phrases like: You can be happy or you can be right. I honestly thought I chose happiness… time and time again working with my sponsor I came to realize that I always chose right. In my family of origin, I now understand that right trumped happiness every single time. That sorry was weakness and that love was to be withheld for mistakes; trivial or large. As a people-pleaser and attention seeker, the phrase; to be a person amongst people, a worker amongst workers became my daily mantra for year two of recovery. For someone that constantly strived to be better than, the best, the first, the acknowledged – how hard it was for me to keep my hand down, keep that yes inside and stand back. As I practiced these actions it became even more obvious to me how less important I was… the things that I thought only I could do, or could help others by doing were easily accomplished by others and even more astounding; they didn’t appear to be resentful

about doing them. I loved to put my hand up, not allow others to help and then complain about how hard I was working and how nobody supported me. Seeing my defects and behaviors in this light really showed me how much I needed to focus on humility. The light shone brighter on this aspect of my recovery as I put it front and centre. The more I realise I need to seek humility – the more obvious it becomes how much my ego (disguised as working hard, volunteering, fixing things/people, gossiping, trying to be more important than I am) rules my actions and reactions. Pride appears in ‘discussions’ with my spouse, conversations with my colleagues, phone calls to home and following instructions. The more I become aware of humility through listening to others’ shares and daily readings, the more obvious it becomes how much I need to focus on cultivating a perpetual quietness of the heart using the tools so freely given to me by this program – my two favorite being the Serenity Prayer and the Step Three Prayer. Jemma