Going around in Circles

Before I found the rooms I was always impatient, unless I was drinking. It occurs to me that I spent all my energy planning my life around drinking, and when I did not have a drink in hand I was therefore very impatient and not a very nice person to be around. After a few drinks this would all change and I would be jolly, cheering and in an upbeat mode.

I can’t explain very well so I’m going to go around in circles. I don’t know how it works but it does. Maybe it is some kind of connectedness at play when I keep being around people like you. Some kind of effect grows within me whereby I am somewhat more willing to focus on what I have done, haven’t or can do rather than anyone else.

Then came the morning after when I again was anxious, nervous and shaking. I would again start planning for the next drink and be impatient and not be smiling. I can recall my wife telling me that her fear was that I may never smile again if I stopped drinking. Perfect, another excuse for me to keep drinking!

This process is really a process because there are many days where I am really triggered by others. But after some thinking, this trigger is often lifted and then I’m left with some humility and modesty to squeeze out something that I could have done or done better. Often it is that I could have asserted myself better in the situation but was gripped by fear.

It took a while in the program for a sober smile to come to me but when it did it was a genuine one. It was probably around 2-3 months into the program and after a bike ride with the AA fellows we would meet up at Boomerang Boat Quay for a coffee followed by an AA meeting. It was the perfect start to a day and I had found a cure that not only saved my life but also put a smile back on my face.

When I don’t focus on my side of the street and go after someone else, it is usually followed by instant self-loathing, and the fear that it is going to happen again and again.

When I do let go, I often end up doing what’s right and just, and the results have been beautiful. BUT… even when this beauty is around me, the anxiety creeps in that I don’t deserve it.

Since those early days in sobriety I have come a long way and I continue to appreciate all the learnings that come with the program. The gifts that come with it are more than I can express in words and includes being more patient and more pleasant to be around and the ability to smile again.

So these defects… they just keep coming back. So, God willing, I’ll keep coming back too!