From my journal entry,

a few days after my first AA meeting.

My anxiety is off the charts, I still don’t know what I did during my last

black out, one thought leads to the next and my brain is playing tricks

on me. The scariest part is not having the ability to trust myself

enough to rule out any of the crazy scenarios in my head.

After 20+ years of drinking it’s time to face my demon, the bottle.

The bottle that has soothed me, eased my discomfort and loneliness,

made me feel awesome and free, the bottle that calmed my nerves

and made it easy to socialise… that is easily capable of making me

forget that for every time it did all that for me, it also made me lose

control, hate myself, do things that I normally would not choose to do,

put me in compromising or dangerous situations, heighten my anxiety,

isolate me and ultimately creating an over-dependency so I can never

Instead of wallowing in anxiety and letting it consume me, I need to do

something about it. This time, I don’t have to do this alone. I made it

to AA and I know there are others like me; I should not isolate myself.

I also know now I can’t do this without God. I should be thankful that

he sent me this wake-up call. It took me so many years but I finally I

can admit it, I can’t do it alone, and I surrender to you God. Lead me

through this journey. Watch over me so I know I am not alone, send

me encouragement, give me signs to let me know I am doing the right

thing. Give me strength to see through the anxiety and paranoia and

not fall prey to it and take the easy way out like I always do.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a

different result. Today, I choose to do things differently. I choose to

cope with the consequences of my actions, instead of reaching for a

drink. I choose a different coping mechanism. I found AA, I reached out to a member and I did all this 12 days in without reaching for drink

when I could have. I choose not to beat myself up thinking the worst

of myself. I choose to sit with the uneasiness, and look it in the eye. I

choose to let myself cope with the anxiety and discomfort without

soothing it with alcohol. I choose to feel alive, uncomfortable as it can

get, over numbing my feelings.

From today, I will do things different, and I will expect a different result.

God please help me, don’t give up on me. Put my mind at ease and let

me learn and grow through this uncomfortable experience.