He lay down with both the knees close to his face. It appears he doesn’t want to see anyone but in reality he doesnl’t want anyone to see him. He was the worst guy he ever knew in his life. How could he love anyone when he can’t love him? When craving becomes higher power.

The astounding confusion. 4 Year’s in recovery with a strong recovery message, couple of sponsees, working with sponsor and regular commitments couldn’t help him with serenity. There is a narrow space between being alright and having peace but the energy and effort required to cross the space can’t be rationally measured. It takes a leap fully forced by surrender. But whom to surrender? What to surrender? How does it looks like when one surrenders? Is it like he never tried surrendering? From his experience he realised – though surrendering means same throughout sobriety, it will be felt differently at different depths of rock bottom. On his final defeat, laying at an extremely new rock bottom, he crawled into himself having just enough energy to say ‘I can’t fight anymore with anyone and anything , help me God!’ Several lines from numerous recovery materials flashed through his short term memory and there arrived Two simple statements. Surrender to Gods will, Do not fight addiction.

There he stood bewildered but with a firmness to know what was going wrong despite the strong willingness to quit execution of his will. When he was fighting the cravings by using any substances, he was not surrendering to God’s recovery plan. In that moment of clarity both craving and Higher Power united for his recovery – just for the days he will surrender: One day at a time. So what exactly he surrenders? His ideas, emotions and attitudes. Yep all three of them in one go. His ideas about what he is and what others are. His emotions to people, places and situations. His attitude and outlook upon life. Precisely because in all of the above his size is huge, at least bigger than his real size. To whom he surrenders? He can only surrender to the one fighting against him or chasing him. Was the higher power fighting against him? No, absolutely not. The higher powers ideas for his well being was fighting against his idea that would lead him to an isolated life either behind the bars or away from normal human beings. How does life after surrender looks like? The initial hours, days, weeks and sometimes months involves a strong physical withdrawal accompanied before or after by a mental obsession. This pain often manifest itself as a feeling having an intention to finish him. All his panic response system awakens and tells

him to follow the one life saving act – continue the substance use. But if he choose not to fight the feeling, if he choose to consider and accept the feeling as a gift from higher power to grant him permanent freedom from the obsession of the addiction then he has hope. A big hope. The first couple of days will be a continual sequence of two responses: 1. I surrender – Thy will not mine be done 2. Let go of the stones on your shoulder so that you can swim faster to the other shore. Has he never tried it before? Of course yes. Every time he says to the higher power that the pain is too much and he will try the next day. He never understood that the disease is eating his days one day at a time. He couldn’t comprehend that the feelings during recovery are God’s plan. The moment he realise that the mental malady is God’s plan, then he realises that God is not doing that to punish him but to enable his memory with clear idea on why he shouldn’t take the first pinch, first drink, first chats again.

Later in his life, these experiences in the first few weeks had to occur with sufficient force as a defence against the first use. And as said in the big book, the defence comes only from a power greater than himself.