Before AA I had no defence against the first drink, I sought to drink as a priority. It was the thought underpinning al other thoughts and actions. I later learned that drink was my anaesthetic for a life I simply could not manage. After over two years of trying to work the AA program I haphazardly discovered I was utterly defenceless against that first drink and I learned painfuly that the only way I could stay sober was to regularly attend meetings, cal another alcoholic and work with a sponsor. There I found some defence, some useful diversions, but a drink would often seem like a good idea! it often became my only idea! The obsession was alive in me, and I needed to go further. The 12 steps were the solution and my obsession to drink was lifted. I accepted my helplessness and I came to rely on a power greater than myself. As I grow spiritualy my defence grows stronger and my protection today is built on a foundation of practicing spiritual principles in al of my affairs – which beats chaining myself to a radiator every day! Life with a defence can be joyful and it works if I work it. ~ Simon La

Is still the number one offender

Squandering Worthwhile Hours. Today I made an amend and it means much more than clearing my past as in step 4. This amend cleared an error of mine, which appeared completely right while I was making it. It was against a senior person at work, who I know can cause damage to my image , future engagements with him and his team. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from doing it where I mocked and insulted the guidance he gave. Even today the guidance didn’t help but I was not even able to appreciate the fact that he helped. Instead I used the fault in the situation as a sword to stab his self esteem. My attempt to step on him worked and he retaliated. After that, without any surprise we stopped talking and continued disagreeing. Realising the wrong I made, I tried to make it up by offering a lot of help most of which was not even required. I didnt make the amend then, as I was afraid of what he might think and how he is going to respond. The troubles I once made, kept rolling itself on, gathering more troubles along the way. The resentment kept on increasing and I wrote it

Resentment has always been my favourite tool to feel justified. I periodically love playing the incident in my minds court so that I can feel the experience of winning a case. This gave a high, highly addictive enough to stop facing the reality and just create a fantasy win in my mind. Thus distortion of the reality produced a false spiritual high.

down repeatedly in my step 10 but still it couldn’t pass me. I prayed for that person and reached a stage where I was not faking it anymore , lol. Still the whole cycle of resentment , wanted or unwanted help followed again by resentment continued. Today, more than a year after that incident, I met this person and got some courage to ask for 2 minutes. In the past, I had a lot of fears for making the amends but none of them appeared while I started the talk this time. I apologised to him and specifically told him the incident. I clearly told him that my act did not show any respect to him and his contributions and help towards me. Finally I asked him how to make it right, that if there was anything I could do now to set it right. This person tried to recollect the incident and has a vague clue about it. I want to write another page about my assumptions about his thoughts – but I leave it to my HP. He told me not to worry about it and that things between us will be fine. I walked away and looked back and felt like I dropped a really heavy bag I was carrying around. I thanked god for granting me the courage. Later that day there was a couple of occasions involving him where I would usually stress and resent. But surprisingly I felt nothing this time and I was able to find right way of doing things with that person and his team. The most beneficial item was – I stopped engaging myself from finding faults and blames aimed at that person and team. Saved an enormous amount of time.